Relay for Life

Please take a moment to read this post.

Relaying for life is a very important task to me. 

I relay for my dad who passed away on April 8th, 2011 from Non-Hodgkin’s T-Cell Lymphoma primarily in the liver.  He was brave as he fought the disease and endured more pain than one should endure in a lifetime. 

I relay for all the people who are diagnosed with some form of cancer every single day.  They deserve a fighting chance and with the profits raised by us from this relay, we can provide that chance for them. 

Please donate for my dad’s memory, for those who have lost their loved ones, and the people who still have a long battle ahead of them. 

I thank you for your gratitude towards such an important cause.

Click on this link to make a donation. 

Reflections

There’s a lot in life we can’t control.  As much as we wish we could keep our loved ones from dying, we aren’t God.  Sometimes that can eat us alive, knowing we are powerless against something so permanent.  We struggle to stay above water, to get out of bed in the morning, to enjoy the things life has to offer.  We simply go through the motions.  There are many things out of our control, but sadness is not one of them.  We can choose to be happy, to get back out there.  That does not mean we forget our loved ones lost.  We will always remember them.  But we must know that they wouldn’t want us to put our lives on hold for them.  We need to continue living while knowing they will be there right next to us, in spirit. 

These two quotes further emphasize my point:

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”—Niebuhr

“I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have-life itself.”—Walter Anderson

Wisdoms that I Needed to Hear

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” —Robert Frost

I’ve learned that you have to either jump aboard the train or risk being run over by it for the rest of your life.  So yeah, shit’s happened, but that’s no reason to sit alone in the dark for hours and wither away day by day.  You need to get out there and find something that will take away your darkness, something that will bring you happiness again.  I know it seems that for now you’ll never feel whole again, but lessons be learned, nothing’s ever broken forever.  

A New Beginning

Seth

“Okay, then, if you’ll just follow me.”  I wasn’t sure what else to say.  Our last conversation hadn’t ended so well.  

Anna remained silent, most likely still waiting for an apology.  I climbed the stairs two at a time as she lagged behind. I soon came to room 202, which had been empty since Natalie had died.  I didn’t like filling the space, but I knew the time would eventually come.  The rooms were only locked when vacant, so I slipped a key in and click, it opened.  I twisted the doorknob and let Anna inside.  She stepped in and took a look around.  She kept a pinched look on her face the entire time. 

“As you can see, your bags have been placed at the foot of your bed.  The bathroom has been stocked with shampoo and conditioner, body wash, hand soap, towels and toilet paper.  If there’s anything else you need, you can just ask at the front desk.”

We stood awkwardly in the center of the room.  I really didn’t have anything else to say.

“Well, do you have any questions?”

“Nope, and you don’t have to stay.  I feel like I’m in a padded room.  Can’t possibly hurt myself in here.”

“You really don’t like me, do you?”

“First of all, I don’t know you.  Second, why do you think my mood is about you?”

“You haven’t been very pleasant ever since you met me.”

“How do you know that I’m pleasant when I’m not around you?”

“I don’t, but I have a feeling that somewhere inside of you is a smile that I’m sure you used to love to show.  So, you may be unpleasant right now, but you weren’t always.”

For the first time in a while I imagine, Anna smirked slightly and then looked away.  ”You just love to charm people, don’t you?  You’re the guy that worms his way into people’s lives and then destroys them.  Well, guess what, I don’t need someone like you in my life.  Enough people have destroyed me in the past few months, I don’t need another.”

“You don’t seem to need anyone, do you?”  It was a rhetorical question; she knew it and I knew it, but she answered anyways.  

“What would happen if I really did need someone and they weren’t there?  It makes you weak to always need someone.”

“On the contrary, I think it makes a person strong to be able to admit that they need someone.”

“Well, that’s the difference between you and me.  Now, can you leave me alone?  I imagine I won’t be by myself much after today.”

I took a step back from Anna and made my way towards the door.  I paused as I opened the door.  ”You’ll grow tired of being alone soon.”  I shut the door behind me, allowing her to think things over. 

“You’re not here anymore.  I woke up in the morning wanting to talk to you and you’re not here.  Words are coming out of my mouth, but you aren’t responding.  It’s like you’re dead.  You’ve been like that since Rachel died.  I know you’re grieving, but it’s like you aren’t even here.  You don’t even try to get out of the Institution.  You need help.  Anything?  Do you have anything to say, Seth?  You’re going to end up ruining your life.  You know that, right?  Your parents are coming down later this week.  What are you going to say to them?  I mean, you went on a bender, a very dangerous bender.  And you’re pretty damn lucky to be alive.  Do you have anything to say, goddammit Seth!  Just show me your still in there.  Show me you are a living, human being that has gone through a terrible tragedy and come through stronger.” 

Seth

There was always something about that girl.  From the very first day I met her, I knew that in some way, I’d either end up getting my heart broken or marrying her.  And oh boy, did I get more than I bargained for.  She was a small thing, probably no more than a hundred or so pounds soaking wet.  She walked tall, but in reality she was only five feet, three inches.  She wasn’t like other girls I had met, girls that I had taken a liking to.  She was unique in every way possible and she radiated confidence in disguise of vulnerability. But I knew, the minute we met she’d be a part of my life, forever.  She probably didn’t even notice me—we were in a crowded airport and I was trying out a mowhawk, a style that was not in my favor, and a crumpled black tee.  I tried to form a sentence in my head, but failed. As she came closer, clearly reading the sign I held, I could feel sweat pouring down my face and my heart beating faster and faster.  She stopped in front of me, cautiously.  I swallowed my nervousness and began to form words, but she beat me to it.  

“I’m Anna.  Now, can we get the hell out of her or are you just going to stand there with your mouth open?”

I nodded and began to walk.  She followed by my side, quietly grinning.  I tried to slow my heart down and think of something to say, but nothing came to mind.  This was most unusual, as I could always find something to say, even if it didn’t fit the situation.  I was a disaster at funerals, because I always made a wrong joke.  As we came to the Town Car the Institution had sent me in, I took her bag after her suitcase had been put into the trunk.  I began to open her bag and she grabbed my hand roughly.  

“You can’t go in there.  That’s private property.  Learn your amendments.”

Finally, words came to mind.  I knew my amendments well even though I was English-born.  ”You can’t tell me what to do.  And being a patient at the Institution, the contract your mother signed gave us permission to search all belongings.  So, if you don’t mind, remove your hand from mine.”

“I’m glad she’s found yet another way to screw me over,” Anna said as her hand moved back down to her side.  

I finished unzipping her bag and began to carefully rummage around.  I pulled out a make-up bag, removed the tweezers and scissors.  Then, I noted a wallet—fairly empty—a cell phone, which I slipped into my pocket, a small travel-sized perfume that smelled of honey crisp apples, and an iPod, which I also slipped into my pocket.  I zipped the bag back up and handed it to her.  

“Will I get those items back or was that another piece of that fucking contract?”

I opened the door with my hand not holding the tweezers and scissors, allowing Anna to get in.  ”Not with that attitude,” I said as I climbed into the backseat next to her.

“You’re not very nice, you know.”

“I’m not supposed to be nice.  I’m only here to pick you up and bring you to the Institution.  We aren’t supposed to be buddy-buddy with the patients.  You guys are a liability.”

“I’m not like the other patients.”

Curious, I asked, “How so?”

“Because, I can stop anytime I want.”

“If that were so, you wouldn’t be here.”

“Don’t judge me.”

“Don’t judge the other patients.  They’ve done nothing to harm you.  You pretend that you’re some shining star compared to stones.  Well, princess, you’re not.  So, wise up and shut up.”  That kept her quiet for most of the ride, but the one thing about Anna is she hardly ever does what she’s told.

“You were one of them, weren’t you?” she asked.  

“That’s none of your business,” I replied half-heartedly.  It had been an early morning and I hadn’t been sleeping well.  I didn’t feel like fighting.

“I’ll take that as a yes, then.”

“Fine, I was, now I’m not.  We aren’t supposed to discuss the details of our personal lives with the patients.  I find it hinders their progress.”

“Excuses, excuses.  That’s fine if you don’t want to get to know me, I don’t really want to know you either, but don’t pretend I’m not a person.  I have feelings and you’ve hurt them.  Let’s just sit in silence until we arrive.  Can you at least do that civilly?”  

I nodded, clearly taken aback.  Like I said, I got more than I bargained for.  I looked out the window, wondering what I could do to make her see that I knew she was a person, not a patient.  I knew she was more than a person, she was my life-changer.    

Excerpt from “Mad World” by Gary Jules

“All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, worn out faces

Bright and early for the daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere”